Love sucks...

Well, I talked to Chipmunk about what I did with Ebon. It seems we are still together, but I don't think he trusts me very much. At least he is trying. I mean, I don't blame him, but hey...Oi, this journal is an obsession for me or something...either that or I'm REALLY bored...probably bored...But this is our conversation. I can't decipher most of it anymore, I'm too damned tired. Anyone else care to comment and try to understand it?Chipmunk: hey what's up?PrincessKadar: oh...hi...PrincessKadar: you off early tonite?Chipmunk: actually I was with Jamila for a while. she came over at 7:30. I was napping for a while before thenChipmunk: tomorrow I won't be so luckyPrincessKadar: ahChipmunk: how are you?PrincessKadar: read my LJ and you might understandPrincessKadar: i hacked my friend's computer todayPrincessKadar: then i watched rocky horror with ebon...doing all the audience participationPrincessKadar: that was cool...Chipmunk: sounds like a fun timePrincessKadar: um..yeh...thats what it was...Chipmunk: good...PrincessKadar: http://www.livejournal.com/users/darkbeethoven/PrincessKadar: sorry, that most recent entry is why i wasnt talkingPrincessKadar: you there?Chipmunk: I'm looking at your sitePrincessKadar: ohChipmunk: but I'm losing consciousness as well so maybe I'm half herePrincessKadar: i cant lose consciousnessChipmunk: cool. how's that working for you?PrincessKadar: i just cant sleep, thats allPrincessKadar: i have no job, no money, and no life...whats the point of sleep? =^.^=Chipmunk: no life? wasn't Ebon just around earlier?PrincessKadar: yeh...youll read about itChipmunk: SpongeBob, eh?PrincessKadar: yehPrincessKadar: now im just looking for something that will explain the black zodiac to me in more specific terms...i might try the library when i get up laterPrincessKadar: i still have to clean tonitePrincessKadar: soChipmunk: that sucks.PrincessKadar: nehPrincessKadar: cant sleep, might as well do somethigPrincessKadar: something*PrincessKadar: i cant type...damned wrist...PrincessKadar: damned limp...PrincessKadar: DAMN EVERYTHINGPrincessKadar: grrr...PrincessKadar: lolChipmunk: hehe growlerPrincessKadar: grrPrincessKadar: ::pulls out bronx accent::PrincessKadar: dont piss me awfChipmunk: you keep unusual hoursPrincessKadar: i always havePrincessKadar: ::sigh:: and besides, im still waiting for your reaction once you get down to the entry before all the quizzesChipmunk: you mean about screwing things up with Chipmunk?PrincessKadar: pretty much dudeChipmunk: yeah what's up with that?PrincessKadar: exactly what i said...i almost fukked up againPrincessKadar: made ebon feel really bad and shit...Chipmunk: so almost but didn't?PrincessKadar: nopeChipmunk: so how is Ebon?PrincessKadar: he went home upset because i was upset...hes gonna call me and try to come over again before i go. if he doesnt, well, he's gonna wait until i come back upChipmunk: do you wonder why you're alive?PrincessKadar: sometimesChipmunk: and who is this best friend you found?PrincessKadar: The Nudist...that's his nickname...Chipmunk:: cool. I must go nowPrincessKadar: okay...yur not pissed then?Chipmunk:: well I am. my trembling figure is a good indication of that. it happens when I forgive a lot. the more I forgive the worse it gets when bad stuff happensPrincessKadar: yeah...i just couldnt believe it...all of the sudden i just though, dude, what the hell am i doing? i cant screw this up...Chipmunk: your behavior sound like mine in some of my dreams. I screw things up every now and then in my sleep and get all worried but I can always wake up and realize it never happened. you on the other hand can'tPrincessKadar: i just need to stop seeing anyone...period...PrincessKadar: all i do is screw things up when im around anyone elseChipmunk: that is one possible solution but it doesn't sound like it would be much of a way to live. but I must see how you are around mePrincessKadar: how did i seem down there?PrincessKadar: i mean, ill never stop flirting...i dont realize im doing it half the timePrincessKadar: but...when im with someone, i dont fuck around...not usually...when im drunk its a WHOLE other storyChipmunk: you seemed at ease for the most part. you just lead a different life than what I'm used to. its my adventurous side that seeks out the new which has made me a more tolerant and open minded personPrincessKadar: my adventurous side gets me into a bunch of shit...hence the reason im usually singleChipmunk: heh good ol adventure. but now I really must goPrincessKadar: okay...PrincessKadar: have a good day at work...as good as it can beChipmunk: tomorrow is delivery only so it shouldn't be too bad. I get the morning offPrincessKadar: coolChipmunk: so I can contact you during a daylight hourChipmunk: yayPrincessKadar: its cool...im probably going to sleep most of the dayChipmunk: good night and sweet dreamsPrincessKadar: night hun...love you...Chipmunk: i love you too hun, take careThe bullshit that is like, just general stuff has been taken out, of course. But that's pretty much what the conversation consisted of. I don't know what to think. And Nudist is like, not around to discuss it with. I miss him. Want to go to his house, but it's like, 2 hours away, Reading or something. And then there's Sean and his brother in Bloomsburg...Dammit, why is it that when other people need to talk, they always find me, no matter where I'm at, yet when I want to talk, nobody is around? And like, Chipmunk just got on again, but he's not saying anything...what happened to sleep? But...I'm gonna go clean. I doubt anybody will read this or really even care anyway, so...why bother? After the novelty runs off, I'm sure it won't be as interesting. And I still have the cheap imitation on ddrsa! YAYISH! Wow...bad attempts at chearing myself up. It's not working. I really AM wondering why I'm alive now...DAMN YOU APHRODITE!!!!

Oompa Loompa... ::repeats in a monotone::

Woo, check it out! Have fun...are you gonna do them all too?You represent... insanity.You're quite a quirky little creature. You'reemotions are varying. You may appear childishand innocent, but you have a tendency to freakout. You're incredibly random, but it's goodto be unique. People know you're an odd one,but you certainly don't mind. What feeling do you represent? brought to you by Quizilla=^.^= Big suprise!You're Transgender Barbie! You're well, there's noway to describe you. Pick a sex and stay withit! If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be? brought to you by QuizillaI've got one word... O.OSPIRIT is your chinese symbol! What Chinese Symbol Are You? brought to you by QuizillaI like to be FREEEEEEEEE! =^.^=Goddess of the Night. Beautiful yet a strangedarkness and sadness lurk about you. What element would you rein over? (For Girls) brought to you by QuizillaYep...that's me...You Have the Power to Turn Things to Stone! What's Your Magic Power? brought to you by Quizilla::turns you all to stone::Raver Bear Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You? brought to you by QuizillaYOU EAT PEOPLE!!! what's YOUR deepest secret? brought to you by QuizillaOMG! THEY FOUND OUT!!!Rock on, dude! You are Punk music! What type of music are you? brought to you by QuizillaYou would make them suffer How would you kill someone brought to you by QuizillaDUHYou are Brian Molko! Who are you? brought to you by Quizilla What Is Your Animal Personality? brought to you by Quizillapierce What's YOUR sexual fetish? brought to you by QuizillaI am a giant mutant kitten. Not strange at all. Which cute or possibly strange kitten are you? brought to you by Quizillaimg src="http://images.quizilla.com/V/vizz/1035282164_ll-and-eat.gif" border="0" alt="I'm going to Hell because I kill children and eat them!">You kill and eat little children, and probablymolest their corpses.You're not tryinghard enough, though, because there's stillplenty of assholes in the world! You might goto Heaven if you can thin the herd a bit. TheLord hates fuckers hanging around and messingup His Creation, after all. HOP TOIT.Sicko. Why Will You Go To Hell? brought to you by QuizillaKitty Goth What Kind of Goth Are You? brought to you by QuizillaI KNEW that would come back to haunt me...I MISS MY KITTY EARS AND TAIL DAMMIT!You are a WANNABE NON-VIRGIN. What Kind of Virgin Are You? brought to you by QuizillaLMAO, I WISH!!! =^.^=Black:PEOPLE SUCK THE WORLD SUCKS EVERYBODY SHOULD BEKILLED AND BLEED TO DEATH TILL THE COLD EARTHSOAKS IN BLOOD. Well, you're angry at theworld. For reasons who knows, but youdefinately hate life. [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<a<br>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]Woo, check it out! Have fun...are you gonna do them all too?<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/R/Ruri-chan/1056289714_Ainsanity.JPG" border="0" alt="You represent... insanity."><br>You represent... insanity.You're quite a quirky little creature. You're<br>emotions are varying. You may appear childish<br>and innocent, but you have a tendency to freak<br>out. You're incredibly random, but it's good<br>to be unique. People know you're an odd one,<br>but you certainly don't mind.<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/Ruri-chan/quizzes/What%20feeling%20do%20you%20represent%3F/"> <font size="-1">What feeling do you represent?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>=^.^= Big suprise!<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/F/frozenebony/1048039446_pRACHELSB7.jpg" border="0" alt="Transgender Barbie"><br>You're Transgender Barbie! You're well, there's no<br>way to describe you. Pick a sex and stay with<br>it!<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/frozenebony/quizzes/If%20You%20Were%20A%20Barbie%2C%20Which%20Messed%20Up%20Version%20Would%20You%20Be%3F/"> <font size="-1">If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>I've got one word... O.O<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/I/ItalianPrincessLauren/1043975671_JunkSpirit.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br>SPIRIT is your chinese symbol!<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/ItalianPrincessLauren/quizzes/What%20Chinese%20Symbol%20Are%20You%3F/"> <font size="-1">What Chinese Symbol Are You?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>I like to be FREEEEEEEEE! =^.^=<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/S/SpazMatazz/1042697160_nightgddss.jpg" border="0" alt="MoonGoddess"><br>Goddess of the Night. Beautiful yet a strange<br>darkness and sadness lurk about you.<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/SpazMatazz/quizzes/What%20element%20would%20you%20rein%20over%3F%20(For%20Girls)/"> <font size="-1">What element would you rein over? (For Girls)</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>Yep...that's me...<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/1031610610_CMyDocumentsMyPicturesstone.JPG" border="0" alt=""><br>You Have the Power to Turn Things to Stone!<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/Legowen/quizzes/What's%20Your%20Magic%20Power%3F/"> <font size="-1">What's Your Magic Power?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>::turns you all to stone::<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/L/londonbelow/1038911106_rraverbear.jpg" border="0" alt="Raver Bear"><br>Raver Bear<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/londonbelow/quizzes/Which%20Dysfunctional%20Care%20Bear%20Are%20You%3F/"> <font size="-1">Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font><img src="http://images.quizilla.com/A/angelzashez/1040332327_moodpeople.gif" border="0" alt="eating people"><br>YOU EAT PEOPLE!!!<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/angelzashez/quizzes/what's%20YOUR%20deepest%20secret%3F/"> <font size="-1">what's YOUR deepest secret?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>OMG! THEY FOUND OUT!!!<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/T/thelumbymon/1045346425_zyquizpunk.jpg" border="0" alt="I am punk music!!"><br>Rock on, dude! You are Punk music!<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/thelumbymon/quizzes/What%20type%20of%20music%20are%20you%3F/"> <font size="-1">What type of music are you?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font><img src="http://images.quizilla.com/K/Kanemitsu/1040977795_CThequizfry1.jpg" border="0" alt="torture"><br>You would make them suffer<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/Kanemitsu/quizzes/%20How%20would%20you%20kill%20someone/"> <font size="-1"> How would you kill someone</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>DUH<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/T/thelumbymon/1053460177_reyoubrian.jpg" border="0" alt="You are Brian!"><br>You are Brian Molko!<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/thelumbymon/quizzes/Who%20are%20you%3F/"> <font size="-1">Who are you?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/EmrysWolf/quizzes/What%20Is%20Your%20Animal%20Personality%3F/"><img src="http://images.quizilla.com/E/EmrysWolf/1043103361_tuffbadger.gif" border="0" alt="Badger"><br> <font size="-1">What Is Your Animal Personality?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font><img src="http://images.quizilla.com/A/acidtongue/1036826257_quizpierce.gif" border="0" alt="pierce"><br>pierce<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/acidtongue/quizzes/What's%20YOUR%20sexual%20fetish%3F/"> <font size="-1">What's YOUR sexual fetish?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font><img src="http://images.quizilla.com/L/liquorpig/1051995874_utantkitty.jpg" border="0" alt="IAmAGiantMutantKitten"><br>I am a giant mutant kitten. Not strange at all.<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/liquorpig/quizzes/Which%20cute%20or%20possibly%20strange%20kitten%20are%20you%3F%20/"> <font size="-1">Which cute or possibly strange kitten are you? </font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>img src="http://images.quizilla.com/V/vizz/1035282164_ll-and-eat.gif" border="0" alt="I'm going to Hell because I kill children and eat them!"><br>You kill and eat little children, and probably<br>molest their corpses.<br><br>You're not trying<br>hard enough, though, because there's still<br>plenty of assholes in the world! You might go<br>to Heaven if you can thin the herd a bit. The<br>Lord hates fuckers hanging around and messing<br>up His Creation, after all. HOP TO<br>IT.<br><br>Sicko.<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/vizz/quizzes/Why%20Will%20You%20Go%20To%20Hell%3F/"> <font size="-1">Why Will You Go To Hell?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font><img src="http://images.quizilla.com/A/arachniabat/1046920917_hkittygoth.jpg" border="0" alt="Kitty Goth"><br>Kitty Goth<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/arachniabat/quizzes/What%20Kind%20of%20Goth%20Are%20You%3F/"> <font size="-1">What Kind of Goth Are You?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>I KNEW that would come back to haunt me...I MISS MY KITTY EARS AND TAIL DAMMIT!<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/S/Saturnia/1034828860_icswannabe.jpg" border="0" alt="Wannabe Non-Virgin"><br>You are a WANNABE NON-VIRGIN.<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/Saturnia/quizzes/What%20Kind%20of%20Virgin%20Are%20You%3F/"> <font size="-1">What Kind of Virgin Are You?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>LMAO, I WISH!!! =^.^=<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/B/blackcat000/1044167423_ack_result.jpg" border="0" alt="You see the world in Black"><br>Black:PEOPLE SUCK THE WORLD SUCKS EVERYBODY SHOULD BE<br>KILLED AND BLEED TO DEATH TILL THE COLD EARTH<br>SOAKS IN BLOOD. Well, you're angry at the<br>world. For reasons who knows, but you<br>definately hate life. <br><a<br>href=http://www.saradover.com>Made by<br><B>Sara</B></a><br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/blackcat000/quizzes/What%20color%20do%20you%20see%20the%20world%20in%3F/"> <font size="-1">What color do you see the world in?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>Once again, DUH!<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/C/ColdTuesday/1052864788_Childhooah.JPG" border="0" alt="The Great Child and the Dire Mother"><br>The Great Child and the Dire Mother<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/ColdTuesday/quizzes/What%20sign%20of%20the%20Black%20Zodiac%20are%20you%3F/"> <font size="-1">What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>Wow, I wanted to be the Jackal!<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/R/RedHedPhreek/1039500808_inists.bmp.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br>You are the typical feminist, depressed, artist.<br>You go against the crowd and do everything you<br>can to be different. Too bad noone notices.<br>Try communicating with people, not just looking<br>down on them.<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/RedHedPhreek/quizzes/What%20kind%20of%20typical%20high%20school%20character%20from%20a%20movie%20are%20you%3F/"> <font size="-1">What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>WOO!<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/T/teffie/1036281989_CStephanieswearfuck.gif" border="0" alt="fuck"><br>your fuck.<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/teffie/quizzes/What%20swear%20word%20are%20you%3F/"> <font size="-1">What swear word are you?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>Once again...BIG SUPRISE<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/X/xdeadxstarx/1044037678_turesBlack.jpg" border="0" alt="Info Black"><br>Your Heart is Black<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/xdeadxstarx/quizzes/What%20Color%20is%20Your%20Heart%3F%20/"> <font size="-1">What Color is Your Heart? </font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>yep... =^.^=<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/S/StudebakerHawk/1058933757_ldenticket.gif" border="0" alt="oompa"><br>You're an Oompa Loompa! Hey, you made the choices,<br>buddy. You're short, annoying, and there seems<br>to be an abundance of you. Go on, get lost. We<br>can get more of you anytime.<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/StudebakerHawk/quizzes/Which%20Willy%20Wonka%20character%20are%20you%3F/"> <font size="-1">Which Willy Wonka character are you?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>Your SPONGEBOB!! your very happy and out going.Mean<br>people dont keep you down!All smiles and laughs<br>to the very end and you always cheer up your<br>friends and would do anything for them you are<br>true blue too even the mean friends.Some times<br>you go overboard but you often let people walk<br>all over you.If some one pushes you dont be<br>afraid to say something(polite).<br><br><font size="-1"><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/iluvducks/quizzes/Whut%20spongebOb%20person%20r%20u%3F!%3F/">Whut spongebOb person r u?!?</a></font><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>YAY! I'M MY BOYFRIEND!!!!!<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/C/confuzzledkitti/1058933548_ragonchibi.jpg" border="0" alt="Dragon Chibi"><br>You are the Dragon chibi. You're evil, but more of<br>a neutral. You're my double, you be, and you be<br>interesting all your own. You are the dragon<br>chibi! ROAR!<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/confuzzledkitti/quizzes/What%20(fill%20in%20an%20animal%20here)%20chibi%20are%20you%3F%20O.O%20(yes%20it%20is%20finished%20and%20with%20pics!)/"> <font size="-1">What (fill in an animal here) chibi are you? O.O (yes it is finished and with pics!)</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>RAWR!Wow...I got carried away...I was bored. But now my baybee is on, so I might not be any longer...I dunno...HAH, I GOT YOU BEAT CODY!!!! =^.^=

dammit, I did it again....

Man, why the hell do I always get myself into situations? I mean, Ebon came over, and it was all cool. We were snuggling, watching Rocky Horror Picture Show, and just bein friends. Now all of the sudden I'm like, all freaked out because of what I almost did. How could I do that to Chipmunk? I mean, when I'm drunk, that's another story. I told him that. But this was all me. I was completely fucking sober. I can't believe how I keep doing this. I don't want to screw things up with Chipmunk, at all. I mean, I've known him 4 years, and loved him almost as long. He has so much faith in me, and I always find a way to screw it up. Why does he still love me so much? I mean...I'm a failure. I even thought about NOT going down simply because I found a best friend--something I've been searching for forever. I just don't know what to do anymore...and I only have 2 weeks to decide. I want to go, but I keep finding ways to screw myself up. Maybe Kyraeus is right...maybe I do just always find ways to fuck myself up. I don't know what else to do half the time. I'm not the typical Leo...I let myself be talked into things. And now I have this funny-ass limp, a sprained ankle, and a sprained wrist. All because I went psycho in my car. I rolled it...and walked away. Should I even be alive here? I don't know...maybe there really IS something out there...I DO know that Aphrodite scares the hell out of me. Why the hell is she sending me visions? I hate my life sometimes....

Du...

Dude, Ebon just called me. He's about 10 minutes away, and I can't wait to see him. I just got my shower and I'm like, all clean and happy now. But what should I tell you? I guess I'll talk about DDR. Everyone is all of the sudden saying that I haven't been playing more than 6 months. That's a load of bullshit, cuz Kyraeus and DJ Light know better. Just because I decided to end my relationship with most of the players (they were acting like children) doesn't mean that I'm a bad person. I mean, all these kids came in and took over the machine, so I stopped playing on friday and saturday nights. Now I play mostly in the afternoon during the week. But on to better news. I leave for Texas soon. Chipmunk is talking about coming up somewhere around the 3rd of august. That's like...2 weeks man. I love it! I can't wait to go "home"! I mean, it's like, awesome down there. A little warm some days, but it's awesome. And we can go swimming in January! It like, never gets below...60 degrees? I think...But yeah. My dilemma is that I want to be with someone up here, because it seems like he's the other half to my deepest darkest soul. I don't know how to explain it. I just feel so comfortable around him. And I don't want to lose that friendship. Also, how do I say goodbye to my mom? She doesn't want me going, and my dad? Forget that asshole. He hates the idea, yet he doesn't think that ANYTHING I do is like, decent or upstanding. Honestly, he's such a hypocrit. But any ideas how I should handle this? I'm open to suggestions, lol! But the phone is ringing again, and that means that Ebon will be on the line, "Where is your house again?" so I gots to go. I love you all!!!"The other day I was at San Antonio eating horses when out of nowhere came this slimy guy. I could tell he had serious phone problems from the get-go. His vagina was all slippery and stank like Legolas. A kitten was hanging out of his pants. He fell down in a puddle of Mountain Dew. I laughed my penis off."-Strongbad MadLib